A touch of late night.

I stick to a pretty regular schedule, even though I am currently looking for employment. Thus, I am not often up late at night. However, tonight I had caffeinated soda with my dinner and am now unable to fall asleep. I have been meaning to write a post about my thoughts on self-discipline and have been putting it together in my head.

Self-discipline is such a loaded term, to me. It holds respect, fear and myriad other emotions for me. I have had self-discipline in the past and I have some self-discipline now, but it is lagging. I recently read that self-discipline should be viewed as a gift that you give yourself. That is, by adhering to your own goals, you are allowing yourself to realize your dreams. Is there any better way to live?

Yet, employing self-discipline on a daily basis can be difficult for me. For instance, I recently got connected to a writing gig that I am really excited about, connected to some great people through a local organization I volunteer with and I need to put out some resumes for restaurant jobs to get me by while I continue my job search for a lawyer job. As single, individual steps, these tasks are not overwhelming. However, I often feel exhausted or miserable when I take steps toward fulfilling my own goals in relation to each activity. My spiritual beliefs guide me to pay attention to my feelings - what am I really feeling? Is it a lack of self-discipline, a lack of self-confidence, or something else altogether?  Am I merely allowing my anxiety over the future to dominate my thoughts to the point that I paralyze myself in the present?

As I ponder these questions, I keep waiting and trying to relax. Usually, if something is bothering me, I can relax and trust that I will reveal the real instigator. The real "pea" under the princess's bed.

Generally, I worry that I am putting my energy in the wrong activity. As if there is a "right" activity I should do to realize a job that pays...or a job with meaning and satisfaction (hey - a woman can dream!).

Well, I'll turn to my current novel, "From Here to Eternity" now. Hopefully I'll be able to drift away at some point.

good night!